Math Kid Identity Considered Harmful

Our job is to celebrate all their wins, not just Math.

The Monet Family in Their Garden at Argenteuil, by Edouard Manet, 1874

I actually threw up before taking the SAT

I will say, and this one is a bit unpleasant to admit, that I identify as "smart". In high school, even though I talked about it like it was the dumbest thing in the world and didn't study for it at all, I actually threw up before taking the SAT because clearly I had placed a large part of my identity and self-worth into the idea that I was "the smart kid".¹

Identity is one hell of a drug

The above quote comes from a Reddit user who posted in the “Gifted” subreddit.

This is not an uncommon situation.

Many (many) kids grow up believing and being told they are smart and have a tough time when they encounter a situation that shows the world how smart they really are.

Most kids want care and attention, so they gravitate to whatever gets them that care and attention.

They don’t set out to have a specific identity; it just happens naturally.

The more they show X, the more care and attention they’ll get because of X.

This then becomes self-fulling, in that they become known as an “X”-Kid.

It becomes like a drug because they will always want to show X to get attention.

This is how you get a class clown that eventually takes it too far or, like the student above, a kid who vomits when their “smartness” is tested.

Identity is Hard to Change

Once a kid has been conditioned that they get praise for X, it will be tough to replace that conditioning.

The self-help genre partially exists to help people identify as different people than they currently are and to help them achieve their goals.

The self-help industry is worth around 45 billion dollars a year in the US alone.

If you’ve ever tried a new diet or routine to change your current lifestyle, you know how difficult it can be.²

But there is hope.

Kids don’t have an identity yet

The great thing about kids is that they don’t know anything, and you can help them learn and watch as they discover things on their own.

You, your culture, their school, their community, and the media that is beamed straight into their eyes will help them develop an identity.

This means you can help guide them in choosing an identity that works for them in the short and long term.

What kind of identity do we want our kids to have?

We can list what kind of identity we think will help the kid:

• The identity should not be outcome-based

• The identity should not be passive

• The identity should be empowering

• The identity should be respectful of others

• The identity should work regardless of peer accomplishments

• The identity should build resilience

I am sure there are more, but even from there, we can see that the person who threw up before the SAT did not have that.

Their “smart” identity required that

• They do well on the SAT (outcome-based)

• They do well without studying (passive)

• They thought it taking the test was dumb, but cared an awful lot about it (empowerment)

• Talked to others about how it was dumb (not respectful of their peers)

• Placed a large part of their identity and self-worth into the idea that they were a "the smart kid" (if their peers did better, then this person’s ego would have been shattered)

• They had a strong negative physical reaction at a circumstance that could go wrong (resiliency)

From this list, we can help our kids (who already self-identify as “math-kids”) develop a healthier identity.

An Amorphous Multiple Identity is the answer

An identity that is many things is more complicated to break than an identity that only does one thing.

If your kid is the “best at math kid” and nothing else, they will falter when they get to math competitions, math camps, math circles, math classes, college and in life.

If your kid is the “i like to fish in lakes, and draw ponies, and hunt with my family, and do math, and listen to bluegrass music, and eat muffins” then 1) I want to hang out with your kid and 2) it will be almost impossible for them to meet another kid who is better at that than them.

Obviously, we don’t want to compare one kid to another, but we’re all humans, as are they, and they’ll do human things like compare themselves to others from time to time.

Even better, making the identity statements a bit more amorphous means that there is a greater area of interest within which they can live in.

Using the example a few paragraphs above, if the kid only fishes in lakes and moves to a seaside town, they’ll have a hard time.

Whereas if they “like to fish,” they can fish in rivers, lakes, oceans, etc.

At the limit, the identity we’re shooting for is something like: “I am a generally intelligent and competent person who does many things, helps many people, celebrates myself and other’s accomplishments, and enjoys learning math”.

Celebrate all the wins, not just Math

So our job is to celebrate all their wins, not just Math.

Yes, they are a math kid; there’s no escaping that.

But they need to know and be shown that they are more than just a “Math Kid”.

They need to know that other things matter as well.

They need to know that you love them for who they are, not just what they do.

So go and help your Mathy Kid develop a sense of self they can rely on regardless of where life takes them.

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That’s all for today :) For more Kids Who Love Math treats, check out our archives.

Stay Mathy!

All the best,
Sebastian Gutierrez

1. https://www.reddit.com/r/Gifted/comments/1armtth/what_is_your_identity/

2. The joke about losing 100 pounds is that they’ve lost 10 pounds (and then gained them back) 10 times instead of 100 pounds once.